I understand you have a lot on your plate, and you’re often in a rush to feel heard. You speak the language of fear and trepidation. It must be hard to live in a state of constant doubt, but what else do you know? I must say, I wasn’t aware how many different forms you could come in. You’re quite the shape shifter. I would disguise myself too if my only means of survival was to instill fear and remain undiscovered.
That’s part of what makes you so intriguing, there’s no real evidence of the claims you’ve made against me, but you hold tightly to them anyway. It’s always awkward when you stand in the middle of my path and find it’s not difficult to walk right around you. You still manage to stop me in my tracks often enough that the weight of your influence feels familiar.
I have managed to eek bits and pieces of my creative work out while you’re not looking, but now that’s not enough. I’m not an imposter of myself, I have value and deserve to enjoy the work I feel called to create. Though I don’t prefer to label it as work, as it feels more valuable. I’m aware you don’t mind infusing it with the bitter taste of productive value, because when you do I falter and feel intimidated out of moving forward.
Even speaking to you here, directly I can feel the weight of resistance. You don’t like being found out, feeling seen in such a fashion. If I can see you, I can ignore you. The more places I find you hiding out or see where you have tried to leave a mark, the smaller you get. I must inform you, that I will now be taking up more space within myself. Together we’ll gather up all your things, so you can move on and out of the influential space you’ve taken up. I can’t allow you to have some excuse to revisit the holes you bore into my confidence.
I am inviting you to take a permanent leave of absence. I’ll help you out the door. You can keep your plans for making me feel inadequate. I don’t need to be reminded of the lies you paint with fake smiles. Make sure to take the mirror you hold up against me, seeking comparison to everything I’m not in that moment. I think I’ll see myself more clearly without it.
I know in your mind you thought you were protecting me from the possibility of failing. It’s also clear that you feared success more than anything, driving me toward destruction. We aren’t as familiar with the feeling of vulnerability paying off. I’ve decided I’m going to test the waters and see what I can do without the constant nagging of your screeching voice. I have clung to you for many years but am finding the weight of you is more than I want to carry with me.
Thank you for leaving.